Sinfest: Zombie Jesus

Thus ends the holiday season Jesus marathon.


Sinfest: The Webcomic To End all Webcomics

Great Zombie Jesus!

Today the Christian's celebrate the death and subsequent undeath (so-called resurrection) of Jesus. From our modern vantage point we now know that there are only a handful of ways that the dead can walk the Earth. There are vampires, zombies, and of course folks like Keith Richards, Dick Clark, and Leonard Cohen. Since Jesus was seen walking in broad daylight we can assume that he was not a vampire or a music industry celebrity, so he must have been a zombie.

The case for Great Zombie Jesus is strengthened when we look at the rituals of his followers, the Great Zombie Army. Great Zombie Jesus had his followers eat of his flesh and drink of his blood. This is how the zombie pathogens are transferred from generation to generation in an attempt to maintain the Great Zombie Army. Through the miracle of transubstantiation, consubstantiation, and even the sacramental union (all popular definitions of the Eucharist Infestation) people are eating the flesh of the Great Zombie Jesus and drinking his blood in an effort to be more Christ like, ergo, zombies.

Many a Sunday I spent in the presence of the Great Zombie Army as they feasted on the flesh and blood of Great Zombie Jesus while chanting and groaning in off pitch monotones. How I managed to escape infection I may never know. Perhaps I had a natural immunity to the pathogens. The liturgy was quite clear. Great Zombie Jesus will come again. He will judge the living and the dead. His kingdom will have no end because it is made up of zombies that can't die, eternal life.

So this Easter remember, aim for the head and torch the bodies. If they have no teeth and their bodies have all of the body and blood of Great Zombie Jesus burned from them, they can't infect you.

Trolling for God - well, for Grades anyway

Here's a new wrinkle. Apparently, Trolling for McCain wasn't enough, nor was Trolling for the good ol' fashioned reason of "I'm just a jerk and it amuses me". No, apparently, it's now considered acceptable at certain schools to make Trolling a mandatory part of a class.

Here's an excerpt from a professor's syllabus at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, a class called "Intelligent Design and Unintelligent Evolution"

AP410 This is the undegrad [sic] course. You have three things to do: (1) take the final exam (worth 40% of your grade); (2) write a 3,000-word essay on the theological significance of intelligent design (worth 40% of your grade); (3) provide at least 10 posts defending ID that you’ve made on “hostile” websites, the posts totalling 2,000 words, along with the URLs (i.e., web links) to each post (worth 20% of your grade).

Emphasis mine.

So remember, the next time you want to unload on some dunderhead who's violently arguing nonsense on your favorite forum or blog - they might not genuinely want to ruin your day by crapping in your stream, they may just have to post it so they can get an "A" at divinity school.

Question on my mind: Does "A" stand for "Astroturf", or just "Asshole"?

Leveling Up

WHO upgrades the Swine Flu to a Level 6 Pandemic amid reports that the UK is inaccurately reporting the number of British cases. Panicked crowds in Argentina stone a bus that was rumored to have an infected person aboard. A doctor in Texas says swine flu cases number at least ten times the official numbers. Right Wing blogs say that the Level 6 status will trigger the Force Majeure clauses of business contracts and put the final nail in the ecoffinomy.

WHO chief Dr. Margaret Chan made the announcement Thursday after the U.N. agency held an emergency meeting with flu experts. Chan said she was moving to phase 6 — the agency's highest alert level — which means a pandemic, or global epidemic, is under way.

"The world is moving into the early days of its first influenza pandemic in the 21st century," Chan told reporters. "The virus is now unstoppable."

Emphasis mine. Man, what an unfortunate sentence. Somebody's losing a job over that one. Or, we're all gonna die. I'm not sure which.

I was going to rant on conspiratorially, but plenty of other folks have already done it for me. Take a moment to read this exchange at yahoo answers, where it's all a plot to sell shares in Tamiflu or prevent us from going to the movies. They even mention zombies. Or this website alleging the Flu is being spread intentionally to justify the NWO's take-over. Other folks have already made the bizarre connections I was going to. Mexico is kinda close to Dulce Base, so I'm sure someone's suggested the Intergalactic Warfare angle already.

Reading over those links and pages, I'm left with just one angle that hasn't been proposed: "Swine Flu Eats Shoe Walrus Polka Orthagonal!" I'm relatively confident no one's said that yet. But I wouldn't bet money on it though, since I included a verb.

Man, I liked the good old days, when the alarming world-shattering thing that made the cover of every newspaper, magazine, and website was just the freakin' Octomom.

Bolingbrook Police fail 'running zombie' drill

A news article from the Bolingbrook Babbler

Bolingbrook Police fail 'running zombie' drill

Inspired by the movie 28 Days Later, DHS put the Bolingbrook police through a "running zombie" simulation.

A man leaves briefcase in the Bolingbrook Promenade splash area. Five minutes later, gas billows out from case. The exposed children scream and attack the unexposed children. Parents who rush in to break up the fight are consumed with rage once they touch their children. In a matter of minutes, the Promenade is filled with hundreds of running rage-filled zombies.

...
This was the scenario Bolingbrook emergency services faced in the first Department of Homeland Security Zombie Drill. To the surprise of Bolingbrook officials, Homeland Security decided to simulate a running zombie attack instead of a traditional slow zombie attack.
...
Director of DHS Will County Kena Terfers operations explained the decision. "This is a post 9/11 world. The terrorists will use unconventional tactics against America. No one could have anticipated that the terrorists would use airplanes to attack buildings. We can no longer assume that they will conventional slow zombies to attack us."
...
DHS then gave Bolingbrook a failing grade. Unless the village makes changes by October 15th, Bolingbrook will lose anti-terrorist funding.

"If they can't stop a zombie attack, then they don't deserve those funds!"

That's probably what happened to Austin.

Zombie Debt

Looking at this WikiHow article, it's really hard to muster up the strength of character to not go in and add "Step #1: Don't let Zombies do you any favors." I mean, it's a wiki, after all. I could just... go... so tempting...

How to Deal With Zombie Debt

Collecting old debts - even debts that you aren't legally responsible for - is becoming a very profitable venture. Companies can buy those debts (sometimes referred to as "junk debt") for pennies to the dollar, then go after the people who they think are most likely to pay up. A phone call can turn into badgering, harassment, threats to sue, and other inappropriate (and sometimes illegal) actions. If you ever get a collector asking you to pay up on a debt that's "come back to life", here's how to make sure your rights aren't violated.

As I look at that picture, I can't help but think: "How'd that zombie's head get dunked in gray house paint?"