Re: Blasphemy

Trying to pick a fight :), a friend recently posted this "Blasphemy" elsewhere. Because it might be fun, I decided I'd take the bait...

Batman is a boring superhero. He does nothing for me.

Lord of the Rings is generic, redundant, and gratuitous.

Star Wars Episodes I - III weren't that bad.

Matrix Reloaded was the best movie of the trilogy.

Heresy! Blasphemy! My dander is up! I feel the need to respond! Listen to me roar:

I agree with you on 2.8 out of your 4 points.

Oh, I guess that wasn't as much of a roar as I was expecting. I'll proceed point-by-point, and see if I can get motivated to argue about anything. No promises, though...

I'm probably not saying anything that wasn't said before by someone else, when I say:

• While Batman doesn't bore me, I do find that he appeals less to me than many other superheroes. I think it's because at his core, he's just a spoiled rich guy. I've never had much sympathy for the rich.
  He's also more vigilante than superhero, the attempts of the last few decades to make him darker and edgier have just turned me off to the character - but, admittedly, I'm still a film behind (and yes, I've cued it on netflix to remedy that).
  My biggest complaint about Bats is that he doesn't quite fit in to his own setting - all the villains are over-the-top goofyballs with superpowers, but he's just a bitter guy with expensive weapons. Would Wonder Woman still be cool without her lariat and invisiplane - hells yeah, 'cause she's super-strong, is descended from Gods, and she fought the Nazis. Would Aquaman still be cool without his... um... what's he got? A fishbowl? Without it, he'd still be good at... at... at bobbing for apples! Okay, so Bats is grudgingly cooler than Aquaman...
  I think the point I should be making is that I can appreciate several other superheroes more than I appreciate Batman, because I may one day be bitten by a radioactive spider - but we all know I ain't never gonna be rich.
  
  
• Star Wars Episodes II & III weren't that bad. Ewan McGregor channels Alec Guiness well, and it's awesome wish-fullfillment to see the Jedi battles, especially Yoda. Mace "My lightsaber's the one that says 'Bad Motherfucker' on it" Windu was icing on my cake.
  Episode I wasn't that bad, either, except for the fart joke... and the other parts with Jar Jar... and the Midichlorians... and most of Anakin's scenes... and Darth Maul may have looked cool, but he failed as a villain because he didn't do anything that was actually villainous until 3 seconds before he died. Okay, so it's clear that the things that most geeks loved about Eps 4-6 are not the same elements that Lucas loved about Hope to Jedi.
  That said, I agree that Eps 2 & 3 weren't that bad, and maybe 2 or 3 scenes of Ep 1 weren't bad, either. Could have been worse, too - he could have put Ewoks on every planet, or made Ep 3 revolve around "Darth Binks".
  
  
• Matrix Reloaded was indeed the best film of the trilogy, even with the 45-minute chase scene.
  Every time I watch the original Matrix, I can't shake the feeling like the first draft of the script ended with Trinity being The One. It must have just tested poorly with male audiences so they went with the boring and predictable Keanu-worshiping ending. Felt like they missed an opportunity to really make the script stand out. Reloaded works a little better for me as a result.
  Revolutions, on the other hand, sucked tactically-inept mech-ass. It may deserve a post of it's own for that rant.
  
  
• And now, Lord of the Rings... Here comes the part where I express my outrage. Generic, Redundant, and Gratuitous, huh?
  It ain't generic. The story may seem generic, but that's only because every fantasy novel, film, and RPG to have released since Tolkien has stolen from him. When it was first written, there was nothing generic about it. It's like calling the Wright Brother's first plane generic and unimpressive because every plane since then has had wings.
  Consider Dwarves in any other fantasy property - they're just short bearded people. Maybe they don't like elves. That's straight out of Tolkien, and Jackson knew how cliched it had become. So he built them a visual culture, based partly on passages from the book, but mostly just his own crew's imagination. We learn about Dwarves not just from Gimli's whiney monologues, but also from the knotwork on his axe and helmet, from the grandiose architecture, and from his peoples desire to hide in their mountains instead of martial an army against Sauron. Just one Dwarf on screen, but you could write a book about their culture as evidenced in the films. The same goes for the two enclaves of Elves, the many differing cultures of man, the hobbits - heck, even the Orcs get four different identifiable cultures! Four cultures of orc! The films are visually and culturally loaded - and thus as far from "generic" as any fantasy can be. The only way it could possibly be less generic would have been to take a lot more liberties with the story - and then our complaints would be rather different. I'm sorry friend, but you're smoking pipeweed when you call LOTR generic.
  Redundant and Gratuitous... well, if you're talking about Return of the King, I can't argue against your point. False ending after false ending after false ending after false ending. It fades to black while Sam and Frodo are on the rocks - it could have ended there. Fade back in, and an Eagle comes to save them - it should have ended there. Fade in again, and Frodo's recovering in bed, and all is well - I could have lived with it ending then. After that point, there's another 40 minutes of teary-eyes, royal processionals, consolation gifts from the elves, Frodo and Sam sharing secret smiles, long heartfelt goodbye hugs for all the Nazgul, Palpatine's statue being torn down on Coruscant, etc. It just never ends.
  It's hard for me to swallow "we didn't have time for The Scouring Of The Shire" when I'm waiting for an hour of epilogue to finish before I can go to the bathroom. I mean, come on, cut the sappy "we're going to miss these movies" crap and let me watch returning Hobbit adventurers kickin' the asses of Wormy and the Sackville Baginses. That would have been worth the kidney stones to sit through.
  Other than that last hour, though, the first 2.7 films of the trilogy were amazing and flawless, and you, my friend, are a heathen for insinuating otherwise.
  

You happy now? :) Sorry I wasted your time.