Notes on Recent Media

This is parody. I thought of it when I read Pointing and Giggling and mean absolutely no disrespect or evil nastiness towards Dave on this. On this.

• Movies, movies everywhere. I actually went to the theater to watch a couple of new films this year. Harry Potter and The Simpsons were both decent enough. On a whole, however, the industry just isn't exciting me. The only upcoming film on my 'must see' list is Beowulf. I love the epic poem, I like Neil Gaimon as a writer, and look forward to seeing it in the special effects spectacular that is IMAX 3D. While special effects seem extremely under-appreciated as an art form, the most talked about film of the summer and now again as a video release this fall holds almost no interest for me. Folks keep telling me that I have to watch Transformers, that the film is surprisingly good. If they try to tell me what makes it good, grown men regress into nine-year-olds in the school yard explaining film scenes. If you want to tell me about a film, don't give me the prepubescent stand-up routine version. That doesn't encourage me to see much of anything, it just makes me want to vomit. Which, coincidentally, most new films do as well. Watching previews has the same impact as walking into a public restroom stall and seeing the previous user didn't bother to flush. So why would I want to take a two hour tour of someone's septic tank?

• Watching the top ranked shows of broadcast television is what keeps me from losing any sleep over what I might be missing by not having cable or satellite service. Shit, shit, and more shit. Even The Simpsons, a show which once formed the hub of our large Sunday social events, has gone stale. Not once so far this year has it made me nearly shoot liquid out my nose, but merely giggle. My only solace in this medium is a driving passion for all things Dr. Who and my ability to electronically snag the newest content as they release it in Britain. Which is good, because getting stuck watching television advertising makes me wonder just how stupid people actually are.

• Newspapers and magazines are right out. I can't believe anybody actually subscribes to any of this shit. Or do enough people pick up the Sunday paper to use as packing material to keep this industry alive?

• Reading books is a sign that you are a cut above the unintelligent trash vegetating in front of the tube, which isn't actually a tube anymore but is a flat high definition display while books are still pretty much what books have always been since the invention of the printing press. By spending your work breaks reading a book you let the world know that you are an uppity intellectual type too good for human interactions with the rest of the scum. Aren't you so glad you picked up that cheap spy novel at the grocery store?

• The adult film industry is finally learning some lessons. The internet boom made porn readily available and created loads and loads of... wealth for the industry. Then the industry got their comeuppance as amateurs were able to directly compete with them and leach away their customer base. A few sharp companies figured out that a 2 hour fuck fest DVD had lost its appeal. Any gal can take it in three holes at once and earn a few bucks. So now we are seeing the return to porn with plot. Big porn production companies have decided that to stay competitive they need to give people a reason to watch professionals instead of the 24 hour sorority web cam. About fucking time. It's this kind of free market economics that makes me think Anarcho-Capitalism might actually work.

• Music, on the other hand, is a wash. So much great new music out there, but you have to try really hard to find any of it because the shit that makes it to the airwaves still causes nausea. That's probably why everyone runs around with their iPods. The industry has yet to take the logical step of producing stuff that doesn't suck. Make a good album with packaging that enhances the experience of the music and people will go back to buying CDs. What kind of packaging would enhance the experience of the music? Maybe you could print the liner notes on blotter. That's value added marketing.

So I guess what I'm saying is that media is going right down the shitter... unless it's the kind that takes it up the shitter.