This has turned into a pretty serious fucking day.Did taxes. With my wife as a full time student leaving me as the primary wage earner who doesn't make much, the damage didn't hurt as bad as it had in the past. No matter. Taxes suck. Take it from those who've got it. If people had voted for me and my voluntary tax plan...
Went through a stack of paper work that resulted from our company getting purchased last year. New insurance, new investments. I started to fill out my life insurance beneficiary form and had to stop. Primary beneficiary: spouse. No worries there. What about secondary? Say the two of us die when we fall onto the railroad tracks while stumbling home from the pub some evening. Who gets the insurance money and gets stuck making the (cheap) funeral arrangements? I will almost certainly out live my parents and most likely my sister as well. No kids to take care of it. No nieces or nephews either. Shit. Maybe one of my friends' kids? I set it aside to ponder later. I had never thought about it before and hadn't planned on thinking about it today.
But the big serious fuck all event of the day came with the mail. A Valentine's Day present for Jake and Krys from her aunt. Just looking at the package I knew there was some serious fucking shit inside. Ripping it open with my pocket knife the horrible nightmare scenario manifested. 23 Minutes in Hell along with a card wishing us a happy Valentine's Day and urging us to consider our immortal souls.God Fucking Damn It! I grew up with a Christian mom who dragged me to church at least twice a week. My grandfather spent several years of his retirement as church janitor where I would spend every fucking day of my early childhood not spent in school at the church while my parents went to work. I used to fucking read the Bible during breaks in elementary school. I've spent way too much time around Christians and spending eternity with them sounds like the number one reason to sell my soul to Satan. Bargain basement pricing! Very motivated seller.
I live a pretty decent life. I don't deliberately fuck people over. I don't pick fights. Never stabbed anyone. Never shot anyone. Never slept with anyone's spouse without permission. I smile a lot, try to treat people in a friendly way a good percentage of the time. I say I hate kids and then let them play with my toy tractors (kept in a crate with a bunch of knives and a stack of Playboys) when they come over. All in all people consider me a decent guy. Either that or everyone refuses to say otherwise out of fear. I just don't know.
So if my wife's aunt's god desires to see me tormented for all eternity for not accepting his bastard* easy riding** son of a whore*** half breed as my LORD**** and savior while a lying, cheating, stealing, warmongering, hateful piece of shit like George W. Bush receives forgiveness as a Christian, then I will take the lash to the back and the branding iron up the ass for all eternity just to not have to hang around some smug jack ass of a mafia don deity who pretends to 'Love Everyone'.
For you Christians who have a more enlightened view and think that I will get into heaven, I'd say 'over my dead body' but...So instead I say, pass.
*Born and raised in the absence of his father. Bastard.
**Easy rider refers to the boyfriend of a whore. Not her pimp, just the guy who gets the easy ride.
***His mom wasn't technically a whore but under the laws of that time she would have been classified as such.
****The LORD bullshit really gets to me. Hierarchy. Slavery. I kneel before no man or god. The good ones will get a hearty hand shake or a big hug. I have no need for a master. YesSir. NoSir. CanIHaveAnotherSir? If Jesus sucks my cock like a pro I might yell out, "OH LORD!" or "OH GOD!" Everybody sing along! ComeInMyEye My Lord, ComeInMyEye. Oh Lord, ComeInMyEye.
9 comments:
she sent you that video, "23 minutes in hell"? i watched about 30 seconds of it and, admittedly, i'd like to give that chick the monster fuck of her pure life.
She sent us the book.
What a bitch! Even in my role as the token-mostly-pro-christian member of this blog, I still think her actions were despicable. It's really hard for me to view her doing that as anything other than a deliberate attempt to sour or even ruin your holiday.
"Happy Valentines, don't forget to live in fear!"
If somebody did that shit to me, I'd... well, I'm not sure what I'd do, but I guarantee you I'd regret it 20 years later. On second thought, I probably wouldn't regret it, no matter how raw my actions were.
Perhaps you could send her a copy of the Necronomicon for St. Patrick's Day?
P.S.: Though I can't speak for anyone but myself, I for one don't secretly fear you or think you're a bastard. You're actually one of my favorite people - I appreciate your candor, your wit, and your complexity.
P.S.: Though I can't speak for anyone but myself, I for one don't secretly fear you or think you're a bastard. You're actually one of my favorite people - I appreciate your candor, your wit, and your complexity.
So you say publicly. As the great Prophet Gibby Hanes (bless his acid soaked soul) once said, You never know just how you look through other people's eyes.
I think it is a nice gesture and you should shut the hell up and enjoy it! She is so miserable and full of fear she is jealous of your ability to walk through life happy, content and without every once getting smote by god!
I think it is a wonderful complement.
Brad, Don't make me beat you.
I could use a good beating.
I do however have the answer! Send her the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster! I have it myself and am quite pleased :)
Re: life insurance... Designate a charity as beneficiary. People do this all the time.
I'm sure there's some foundation somewhere dedicated to the destruction of evangelicalism. Barring that, you could list the Japanese garden. That way if you do stumble home from the pub into a train, the money won't end up going to Krys' aunt, who could be the nearest legal heir.
Just a thought.
Jo-
Decided to go with my wicked fairy godson as contingent beneficiary. He has a single mother who is a hell of a hair dresser and a Thelemite. Before I named him I asked him some critical questions.
Like would he be willing to make funeral arrangements for me? Will you insist on bickering down the most cut rate mortician you can find to get the cheapest funeral possible? Are you fully aware that I plan on spending every penny of my retirement fund and you might end up with almost nothing? Are you aware that killing me will result in my wife getting all the money and if you want to get the maximum amount of money you will have to plan on a double murder shortly after I retire?
Securing 'yes' answers to all I signed him up.
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