AWPC: Dead of Winter

Him (standing amongst the green growing plants along the side of the road in Seattle in December): Why do they call it 'the Dead of Winter' anyway? Yeah, it's cold, but it's not like everything is dead.

Me: You're just lucky to have always lived in places where it doesn't snow much, and a some of the trees keep their leaves. Seattle is easy.

Him: Oh, yeah, was it more appropriately 'The Dead of Winter' where you used to live?

Me: Well, in Minnesota, it was definitely 'The Dead of Winter', and they meant it. ...In New Mexico, it was more like 'Dead of Winter' then 'Dead of Spring', 'Dead of Summer' and 'Dead of Fall' all in a row.

AWPC: Can't find her own vulva

My wife is teleworking today, and a few minutes in to her work day, she got a call from her boss. In general, I try hard not to listen in to her work conversations, but there are certain words and phrases just capture the imagination. Case in point:

No, I can see her vulva, too. I'm looking, and there are five vulvas here. She's just not looking far enough down.
[pause - presumably the person on the phone said something]
I could put all the vulvas together, if that's what she'd like.
[pause]
I could even put hers on top, if that would make it easier for her to find her vulva. Tell her I'm putting her vulva on top of the others.

AWPC

I believe it has been said that if one is going to defecate than one should defecate. If one is not going to defecate than one should vacate the defecation receptacle.

You mean Shit or get off the pot.

Something like that.

AWPC (kinda): I really like your bush. It makes me smile every day.

I don't have a workplace, so I can't really make Actual Work Place Conversation posts like Jake does. The closest thing I have to a workplace, they don't talk about anything but LEGO.

A few times I've considered just randomly accosting people on the streets within inane questions, or posing as a time-traveler in public, in hopes of being able to come up with something worth posting here.

The other day, though, I did manage to overhear a very bizarre snippet of conversation while about town, and I didn't even have to accost anyone to provoke it. Just surreal enough to mention here. I heard several sentences before and after it, but I assure you they gave no clues to any context or logic that would explain this.

Stranger #1: "I really like your bush. It makes me smile every day."

Stranger #2: "Well, you can't please everyone."

From the dialog, I can only assume one of them was Moses, the other was either God or a hooker.

AWPC: Depression

For seven months I worked in Plant 1, the older portion of our factory. Not only is it dark and dirty, but all of the machines are dark and dirty and old so in constant need from years of neglect. Most of the Plant 1 operators also seem run down, dirty, probably neglected as well. To make matters worse, I was working the graveyard shift at the time. Another person and I were discussing the Plant 1 phenomenon when this gem popped up.

Me: Working in Plant 1 was so depressing. It nearly turned me into an alcoholic.

Them: At least you had something to look forward to.

It's a pleasant surprise when someone else at work is quick witted.

An AWPC I never thought I'd have

Sorry. Inside joke. And one of the few people who would get it is voluntarily offline for the summer.

Him: I'm up there trying to get it on the shaft and I just can't do it. It's like I need an extra hand in there but there isn't enough room.

Me: What you need is two hands but only just one arm.

Him: Dude, that would be sweet.

AWPC: Ulterior Motives

What motivates people?

Worker 1: Finally got my tax return back.

Worker 2: Me too.

Jake: So did I. But it's already spent.

Worker 2: Isn't that always the case? What is it spent on?

Jake: Getting my wife a new laptop. When she asked for a replacement, I wanted to say, "No." But her old laptop is ten years old and she uses it all the time for school. Fact is she needs a new laptop.

Worker 3: So what do you get out of the deal?

Jake: What?

Worker 3: There's some sort of trade off, right? What do you get.

Jake: Nothing. I'm doing it because I love her and she needs a new laptop.

And they all moved away from me on the bench.

AWPC: V is for Vacant

One of the machine operators thought I would really like the new sci-fi show V, and she told me why.

So there's like these aliens and they come down to Earth to make peace and stuff but you can tell there's totally something else going on. And there's all these actors and stuff. You should totally check it out. It's super tight.

I can't believe someone capable of this much eloquence hasn't found that better job she always says she is looking for.

AWPC: On the Same Page

For mandatory Saturday overtime, I don't think my coworkers on day shift got their stories straight before I came in fifteen minutes before the start of my shift and found all of them sitting around the work bench doing nothing.

Pukey: It's been an easy day. We've had nothin' to do. Either the machines are running great, or the operators don't care. Long day, but easy.

Jake: Cool.

Supervisor (walking up five seconds later): Hey, they had an oil spill on grave yard and had to remove the (floor) mats on three and four and clean 'em. We didn't have time to put 'em back so you guys will have to do that tonight.

Three guys and their supervisor had all day to do it, plus they all stood around doing nothing for the last fifteen minutes (or more) of the day. Two of us got it done in less than ten minutes at the beginning of our shift while sharing the story and laughing with every single operator in the plant.

What The FUCK!?

AWPC: Whorin' for Your Kids

He approached us with a thick wad of papers in his hands. Before he had said a word to us I could already see glossy photos of pies on the open face and the lines of an order form bouncing into view from underneath as he stepped.

Jake: Look out. He's selling something.

Him: Hey. But it's for a good cause.

Jake: Did you buy a copy of my book? One of my t-shirts? A campaign button? No. You're out of luck, pal.

And I walked away while the guy with kids, knowing that soon he would be in the same situation, browsed the overpriced garbage pushed off on youth to sell as a fund raiser then outsourced to parents. These parents are their kids' whores, and they are whores for whatever organization is doing the fund raising, and whores for the crappy company that makes the fund raiser items.

Whores!

And not the good kind that people feel really happy after visiting because they just got some sexual release. Hmmm, maybe the soccer moms should get together and reinvent the fundraiser.

AWPC: Blasphemy Day

I like the Mad Max quote.

AWPC: Self Sufficient

Operator: Does it really take two guys to work on that? How did they ever get into maintenance?

Jake: What gets me is I'm in the same job classification. The only reason I get paid more is because I've been here longer.

Operator: And all they do is act like a pair of idiots.

Jake: I'm quite capable of acting like an idiot all by myself, thank you.

AWPC: Getting Better

Today I was asked the meaning of the word 'auspicious' and what a parabola looks like. I am not only honored that these people chose to come to me with such questions but pleased that co-workers could even pronounce these things.

Someone even asked me about the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanah.

Meanwhile I was reading A Brief History of Time on my breaks and contemplating the meaninglessness of even the greatest of humans considering the size of the Universe.

AWPC: Emo

With the economy in slow recovery mode, work has picked up, the hiring freeze has been lifted, and we've started to bring on new temps.

Him: You talking about emo boy?

Her: Emo boy?

Him: That kid with the droopy black hair.

Her: Is that what they're calling goth now? Emo?

Jake: Emo is not goth. Two very different things.

Him: Emo is like (machinist)'s kid.

Her: Oh, with like the tight pants and the black hair.

Him: And the girls all have that puffy black hair with the blond streak that makes them look like some punk chick that's gonna kick your ass.

Her: Well emo certainly seems to be getting very popular.

Jake: Emo is over. It's dead. It's totally last week. Goth is forever.

Thanks to The Onion for affirming my flippant remarks.

AWPC: WoW!

Many will not understand. To those that do, I am sorry. Suffice it to say, three out of four maintenance people on our shift play World of Warcraft.

This conversation even bothered me a little.

Him: I took over a project from (other maintenance guy). He couldn't fix it. He even tried Lay on Hands. It didn't work and he blew his cool down. I don't know what to do.

Me: It'll be back up by the time he gets back from lunch. He can try again then.

Him: That's true. I thought I could take it over from him and get it done, but now I think he baled. He just bubbled and hearthed.

Me: Fucking Pallys.

AWPC: Smartass

Jake: I need September eleventh off.

Boss: Why? You planning on flying somewhere?

Jake: I need to pick my wife up at the airport.

Boss: She's flying on 9/11? Do they give a discount for that?

Jake: Yeah. She gets a second bag of fucking peanuts.

AWPC: Feared

Sometimes I think people really misunderstand me.

This conversation pertaining to a workplace confrontation was related to me today.

Coworker: I just don't know why (colleague) always comes down and yells at me.

Boss: Did you expect him to try and pick a fight with Jake?

I had to ask if he thought this colleague was really that scared of me. After all, this is a guy who gets into bar fights.

Coworker: He knows you'd never hit him at work. You're just not that kind of guy. But he's probably scared shitless of what would happen to him in the parking lot afterwards.

"Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time." Yes, very frightening.

AWPC: Reality TV

Him: I've got a great idea for a reality tv show.

Me: Just what we need. Yet another reality tv series.

Him: This one would be great. Give homeless people five thousand dollars and have a camera crew follow them to see what they do with it. I think it would be fascinating to see what people in that situation would do with that much money.

Me: There are a lot of variables in that scenario.

Him: You're going to steal my idea and make loads of money off of it and we'll never see you again.

Me: Here's my idea. Take the ten richest people in America, clear out their bank accounts, and see what they do.

Him: How are you going to clear out their bank accounts?

Me: I'm sure however we do it would be illegal, but I guarantee you everyone would watch.

AWPC: What does this do?

Not going to quote the conversation.

I just found it difficult to keep a straight face while telling the lead, a middle aged woman, how to spell INSERTION.

AWPC: The Best Reason to Shoot a Gun

I'm real popular at the lunch table.

Gun Nut 1: There was this great footage on YouTube of an African Safari where they are tracking down a lion that they had wounded but hadn't killed. They find him and the lion leaps out of the bushes, the guy turns and shoots, and the lion lands on top of him dead.

Gun Nut 2: You know what I think about these African safaris? I just don't see the point. They are going there to hunt down some animal so they can hang its head on a wall. I just don't see the point in shooting something if you aren't going to eat it.

Gun Nut Jake: You know, I feel the same way about war.

Apparently I am alone in this sentiment.