God can help us eat our way out of it.

The Louisiana State Senate has exhausted all worldly options, and is, I kid you not, relying on state-sponsored prayer to solve the Deepwater Horizon disaster. I learned about it from watching John Stewart...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Day 662 - The Strife Aquatic
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Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

I think this is a really good idea. We get Jesus out there, and have him do his thing. No, I'm not suggesting he get his hands dirty cleaning up oil, just get his feet wet. Walk out on the water a ways, and then do one of your other well-practiced miracles. Jesus, if you're listening, please turn all the water into wine. Everyone knows that Oil and Water don't mix, but Oil and Wine... that makes a tasty Vinaigrette. We'll all line up on the shore with plates of salad and sides of crusty italian bread. For second course, I'm thinking linguni in a garlic alfredo. We could work in a little cross-promotion between the Holy Church and Olive Garden. All-you-can-eat salad, breadsticks, and petroleum.

Scientology Lawsuit

I'll start by saying, I'm all for Religious freedom. But, if some aspect of a religious practice is deemed by larger society to be criminal, then I feel the law should be enforced. An example most people can Grok would be human sacrifice - we wouldn't let someone cut out the hearts of their neighbors, and say it was okay because it was part of an Aztec ceremony.

Applying a similar common-sense logic, France recently convicted (of Fraud) several high members of the Church of Scientology, fining them almost $600,000 each, and giving them suspended 2-year sentences. Source.

"It's an empty case," Roux said. "It's run like an Inquisition, (as) if some people did not wake up from the Inquisition time."

Apparently this Roux person isn't terribly keen on history. You see, during the Inquisition, they didn't just take your ill-gotten-gains and tell you that if you did it again they'd lock you up. No, in addition to taking your money and property, the inquisitors would actually torture you, and they didn't stop till you'd renounced your religion. If you had children, the Inquisitors would baptize them, and then take them away to be raised by "a proper Christian family". All that was done without due process, or bail, or a reliable appeals process, or any chance of Amnesty International trying to intervene. Point being, the French courts may be stiff, but they're nothing like the Inquisition.*

Of course, anyone who feels persecuted about their religion is going to feel, well, persecuted. So perhaps a little hyperbole can be understood and tolerated. I know I go way overboard with my metaphors all the time, so why can't they?

Thankfully, the article goes on to explain what the court ruled to be Fraud:

The plaintiffs focused their complaints on the use of a device that Scientologists say measures spiritual well-being. Members used the electropsychometer, or E-Meter, to "locate areas of spiritual duress or travail so they can be addressed and handled," according to Scientology's Web site.

The plaintiffs said that, after using the device, they were encouraged to pay for vitamins and books. They said that amounted to fraud.

That has some real potential for fitting a legal definition of Fraud. If the device doesn't actually measure well-being, and the prosecutor can show the defendant knows it, then anything they "prescribe" based on it would be fraudulent. That seems to be what the courts decided, if I'm parsing articles correctly, and that seems pretty legit to me. You can't lie to someone and tell them they've got cancer just so that you can sell them the cancer remedy - even if you're doing it "for God". There's some grey area between faith healing and medical advice, and I can see where someone might have a hard time figuring out where they are in that spectrum.*

The solution for Scientology is simple - it's what all the other religions do. Quit charging for the "Communion Wafers". If you just pass a plate around, people will still give you more money than you could ever deserve, and you're probably not breaking a law.* The faithful will still shame each other into donating more than they can really afford. The truth is, you're not being persecuted for your beliefs, you're being prosecuted for trying to get rich off of gullibility*. I know it doesn't feel fair to you, 'cause I mean, look at the Vatican. But those dudes have been grandfathered in to the system. Openly attempting to be more ruthless businessmen than them won't win you any converts, especially not in today's economy and political climate.

Just sayin'.




*: I'm not a lawyer, so what do I know?

5 inches of hot meat between your buns

I cannot begin to enumerate the things that are wrong with this new "commemorative hamburger" offering. See picture at right.

Source.

Political Product Placement

via CNN

The president was drinking Bud Light, Biden was drinking Buckler (a nonalcoholic beer), Gates was drinking Samuel Adams Light and Crowley was drinking Blue Moon.

That's what qualifies as news these days, huh? In the Politics section, no less. 3 years before the next election...

Who do you think paid for that? I could picture Obama getting a blue-collar boost out of being seen drinking Bud Light, but whatever that gained him would be counteracted by Biden drinking a Buckler. Which means it must have been brought to you by the brewing companies.

I can't help but think of Tommy Lee Jones in The Client:

"Hey kid, would you like a Sprite? Here you go, kid - a cold, delicious, refreshing Sprite. We lifted the kid's fingerprints off a can of Sprite. We sure are lucky he wanted a Sprite. Then again, who wouldn't want a Sprite? Kids everywhere drink Sprite. I want you to search every Sprite Machine, Hen House, Sprite Can, and bottle of Sprite in a six-pack (of Sprite) radius. Have I mentioned Sprite? Sprite, Sprite, Sprite!"

Lucy In The Pac Sci Center With Ethiopians

This was posted by Pharyngula, and brought to my attention today by a friend:

Seattle! Get off your butts!

Lucy's skeleton is on tour, and is currently on display at the Pacific Science Center — a lovely and interesting place even when the most famous australopithecine in the world isn't holding court. Here's the surprising news: Pacific northwesterners are not flocking to the museum. The science center is losing big buckets of money on the exhibit, and other museums around the country are hesitating about booking it — it may close after its Seattle run, and I won't get to see it!

I can't believe this. You have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a wonderful relic of our ancient history, and you're staying home?

You still have time. It closes on 8 March. Go!

I hope "business" picks up for Lucy.

I went to see Lucy about a month ago, the same day we saw The Day The Earth Stood Still. At the time, it didn't occur to me to write a review of a science museum exhibit, but talking about a major motion picture came naturally. I guess that comments on my relative lack of culture.

Here's the scoop on Lucy: It's really two exhibits in one. The first two-thirds is an exhibit on the culture and history of Ethiopia, which just happens to be the country where Lucy's remains were found. And that's the problem - it's advertised as Lucy, you go there wanting to see Lucy, and instead you spend several hours in Ethiopia first.

The Ethiopia exhibit is actually really cool. I learned tons about their history, cultures, religions, and art. There's some really cool stuff about the religious customs and church designs I plan to use the next time I run a serious D&D campaign. I even learned things about Bob Marley and Rastafarianism, which I didn't expect from an Ethiopian exhibit. (Shows what little I knew.) There's some awesome exhibit items on display, like musical instruments I'd never heard of, several-thousand-year-old pottery, hand-written bibles, ancient coins, exotic spices, and the royal sword of Ethiopia. It's a great exhibit covering a wide range of topics connected to Ethiopia from biblical times to the modern day. The gift shop was selling spices and cookbooks for Ethiopian cuisine, and we're still experimenting with new flavors.

But what we'd been expecting and waiting for was Lucy. She was at the very end of the exhibit, after you'd been standing and reading for hours and fatigue was setting in. There was an interesting display of skulls of our various proto-human ancestors, but it was spread out on a inclined ramp leading up to Lucy. I found I was reading less about those skulls than I would have had they been placed an hour and a half earlier into the exhibit, and less than I would have had they not been on a ramp to Lucy. Instead of feeling like a focal point, the skulls were just something to distract you while you waited in line to enter Lucy's room. (And wait in line we did - the museum was packed at the end of December, though I understand it's rather quiet now.)

Lucy's room was small, and fairly quick to go through. There was a lot to read, but not much to look at - you felt like you could have learned it all from a book or a few wikipedia articles. Having those thoughts at the end of your visit was not a good idea. I don't know whether the flaw here was exhibit layout or advertising. If Lucy had been at the front of the exhibit, I think I would have been more impressed by her, and still been happy to explore Ethiopia afterwords. People just there to see Lucy could breeze through the remainder of the exhibit, and those (like myself) just hungry to learn could take our time. Instead, I think some folks felt compelled to rush through trying to get to Lucy before fatigue set in, and then couldn't gain reentry to the stuff they'd sped past. If the advertising had made it a little more clear that she was just one small facet of the exhibit, I think I wouldn't have been so surprised or impatient with the way it played out.

My wife and I really enjoyed the exhibit, and it was well worth our $20 a piece, but my wife liked the last third far more than the first part. She compared it to being invited to go see Star Wars, and not finding out till after you arrived that it's a double feature with The Thin Red Line playing before the sci-fi classic. The Thin Red Line is a quality film, and there's a tangential connection (war, or Ethiopia, as the case may be) between them, but stylistically it's a vastly different experience. You weren't expecting it, and probably won't appreciate it fully due to having it sprung on you unexpectedly, and that's a shame.

The exhibit has an additional hurdle to jump, related to the advertising: religion. A huge amount of the exhibit is devoted to the Ethiopian Orthodox Church. Learning about their religious customs and church architecture could be really appealing to someone who's really interested in the roots and breadth of Christianity. However, a sizable portion of that potential audience is going to be turned off by the notion of going to see a show about Evolution - and since that's how it's been marketed, they'll never learn what they're missing. On the flip side, there's a subset of so-called "militant atheists" who'll be bored to tears at the early Christianity stuff, and then feel let down that the Paleontology section is only a third of the exhibit.

It totally sucks that flaws in marketing and layout are keeping such an informative exhibit from succeeding. I think they could have done it as two exhibits - a short Lucy exhibit for $15, and a long Ethiopia exhibit for $10. If they'd offered $5 off if you attend both, it would have made the same money on folks like me, but allowed for the local Discovery Institute crowd to learn about the first Christian nation without scaring them off via the E-word, and impatient paleontology fans to get just the Lucy face-time they desired. With a bit of suggestive selling "for only $5 more you can see our very impressive Ethiopia exhibit" I think the Pacific Science Center would have come out ahead. Visitors would have been able to stop at the café and sit down for a couple minutes between exhibits - so more money there, too. Win-win all around.

P.S.: There's some cool things in the gift shop, too. The Ethiopian spice packs will really add some zing to meals. I like spicy food, so Berberé is my favorite - the package accurately reads "Deliciously Hot, Like the Ethiopian Sun" - but Mekelesha Kemem and Manteria Kemem are both pretty good as well. The gift shop is also selling Evolution for Everyone by David Sloane Wilson - it's a good book that I ought to review here sometime.

Completely Tasteless

Well, at least in one sense of the word. In the other sense, it tastes like Grape. Or so I'm told.

Tentacle Grape: Condoms and soda inspired by Hentai. How fucked up is that? It's wrong on so many levels.

When I'm pouring back a bottle of icy refreshment, I certainly don't want to picture it as some cold inhuman tentacle probing my orifices. I'm afraid to open the fridge now.

Katrina, four dollar gas, a trillion dollar war, rising unemployment, deregulated housing market, global warming...no more.

I find myself amazed and terrified with the power of the Press. Adam McKay said it well in the Huffington Post:

We're coming off the worst eight years in our country's history. Six of those eight years the Congress, White House and even the Supreme Court were controlled by the Republicans and the last two years the R's have filibustered like tantrum throwing 4-year-olds, yet we're going to elect a Republican who voted with that leadership 90% of the time and a former sportscaster who wants to teach Adam and Eve as science? That's not odd as a difference of opinion, that's logically and mathematically queer.
....

So what is this house advantage the Republicans have? It's the press. There is no more fourth estate. Wait, hold on...I'm not going down some esoteric path with theories on the deregulation of the media and corporate bias and CNN versus Fox...I mean it: there is no more functioning press in this country. And without a real press the corporate and religious Republicans can lie all they want and get away with it. And that's the 51% advantage.

Think this is some opinion being wryly posited to titillate other bloggers and inspire dialogue with Tucker Carlson or Gore Vidal? Fuck that. Four corporations own all the TV channels. All of them. If they don't get ratings they get canceled or fired. All news is about sex, blame and anger, and fear. Exposing lies about amounts of money taken from lobbyists and votes cast for the agenda of the last eight years does not rate. The end.

...
Obama and Biden should also create a "master sound bite sentence" and repeat it hundreds of times. It should be so true that even the corporations can't screw with it when it makes the airwaves. Here's my attempt: "Katrina, four dollar gas, a trillion dollar war, rising unemployment, deregulated housing market, global warming...no more."

Yesterday, I got a call from the Republican Party. I gave the poor lady an earful. I told her that I'd seen evidence that 9/11 was an inside job, and that Bush and Cheney were complicit in the murder of thousands of Americans. I told her that the corruption at the top levels of her party was so thick, they should be tried for treason and murder. I told her that the only Republican I would ever consider voting for was Ron Paul. She thought for a hard time, asked me if I was serious about 9/11, and then told me that the corruption really bothered her too, and that she wished Paul had the nomination over McCain as well.

"I suppose I should just skip the 4th and 5th questions, then," she said "that's the part where I ask you if you'd be willing to donate time or money to the Republican party..."

I told her the only way they'd get my support is if McCain publicly pledged to press criminal charges against Bush. Then I talked her ear off about 3rd Parties - focusing on Bob Barr since he's the most likely vote for a former Republican. I pointed out that her multiple choice options on her poll were intentionally limiting people from voting for what they really want, and that there's a lot more options than just McCain, Obama and Undecided.

She got kinda emotional during parts of the conversation - really choked up when I mentioned 9/11 being an inside job. Makes me wonder if that was the last phone call she made on behalf of McCain.

By the way, here's a point-by-point dissection of how to smear an opponent, the Fox way...

A big warm thank you to Daved for pointing me at that video.

One more quote from McKay:

This race should be about whether the Republican Party is going to be dismantled or not after the borderline treason of the past eight years.

I think he went one word too far: "borderline" had no place in that sentence.

In summation:
"Katrina, four dollar gas, a trillion dollar war, rising unemployment, deregulated housing market, global warming...no more!"
I'm putting it in my forum sigs today.

And while I hate to interject into someone's blog post, this is Jake with a video addition. I saw it this morning and had considered sharing, but had other things to get done at that time.

Here is Dan Rather, network news icon, talking about the same media problem. As he puts it, instead of news media owners who shield their reporters and tell those in power that the buck stops here... 'The News Stops With Making Bucks'.



Rolfe, feel free to remove this if you don't want it here.

No, I'm quite happy with your addition. Dan Rather definitely knows what he's talking about. Best line of that video: "American journalism is in need of a spine transplant."

Extra! Extra! Denver Nuked By Boulder!

WTF? Watch this STUPID ad encouraging America to invade Iran:


I'm sorry, but "imagine Boulder shooting missiles at Denver" just isn't a good analogy. It'd be more like if Boulder sold missiles to radicals living within the Clement's Addition Historic District, who then used them on the rest of Denver. So, there's a chance that Boulder might develop an A-bomb... given that scenario, should Denver drop it's A-bomb on Boulder? Of course not, since an A-bomb in either city means radioactive fallout on the other.

To explore the analogy further, we'd have to add in another city - a city that sold Boulder the missiles in the first place, all through the 80's, and helped Boulder develop the technology to build it's own missiles. We'll call that city (just picking a city name at random, I swear...) Washington DC. So, Washington DC sells missiles and technology to Boulder, Boulder sells missiles to some jerks in the Clement's Addition Historic District, and those bastards in Clement's launch those missiles into Cherry Creek. Later, Boulder tries to build an A-bomb. Washington DC and Denver already have A-bombs. In the name of preserving Cherry Creek, should Washington DC drop it's A-bomb on Boulder?

Sorry, that cluttered the analogy too much... After all, Washington DC is in the same country as Denver and Boulder, and we all know the government would never target its own people *cough* *cough* *9/11 was an inside job* *cough* ... so let's clear up the analogy by using a different city... everyone always tells me that they hate the French. I don't, but it's been a long time since I caved to peer pressure, so I'm about due...

(Poor French - I love you, fryguys!)

So, let's say Paris traded missiles to Boulder in the 80s in exchange for hostages in an illegal violation of whatever the French equivalent of the Logan Act is so that some guy name duReagan could get elected mayor of Paris. (You still following my subtle metaphor? Good.) Mayor duReagan traded those missiles knowing full well that some number of them would end up in the hands of Clement's Addition Historic District extremists who would use them to attack Cherry Creek. He did all this despite the fact that Denver was a sister-city of Paris. What can I say? Mayor duReagan is one of those "let them eat cake" sorta guys.

20 years later, should Paris nuke Boulder? No - Boulder hasn't done anything that Paris wasn't knowingly complicit in. Paris should nuke no one! (or maybe just nuke itself)

You can't save Denver by nuking Boulder. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a sick hypocritical fuck named duBush.

You can't save Denver by invading Boulder, either - that'll just get a bunch of Parisians killed on top of all the dead Denverites. Even if Denver does the invading, it's doomed to fail - if they can't keep the peace in Clement's, they can't expect to do any better down the road in Boulder. The only reasonable solution is for Denver to get the hell out of the Clement's Addition Historic District and let that damn neighborhood run itself.

While they're at it, Denver ought to pay for some lovely neighborhood restoration and renovation projects as they leave. Maybe the folks in Clement's will be more inclined to overlook the fact that Cherry Creek pushed them around for the last couple decades if you build them a park, a shopping center, and a football stadium.

The state of protest in China

Just wanted to share this paragraph from an article in The Sun:

Also vacant are the spaces Chinese officials designated for protest during the Games. Some hailed the zones as evidence of a breakthrough for civil liberties in China, but the state-run news agency, Xinhua, said Monday that none of the 77 applications to demonstrate had been approved. Two people were reportedly sentenced to one-year terms of "re-education by labor" after applying to use the zones, which are far from the main Olympic venues. Several others have reportedly been detained or deported to other cities after making similar requests.

Oh, fine, I'll comment further: The Beijing Olympics are a hollow propaganda piece, devoid of substance, meaning, or truth.

• Most of the fireworks at the opening ceremonies were computer generated and the opening ceremony was lip-synched.
• Despite that, the Chinese spent more money on the Olympics than any other nation or city has ever done - several billion on the buildings, and over 40 billion $ upgrading the city's infrastructure.
• They implemented strict restrictions on driving and factories during the games so foreign journalists wouldn't film any smog - but normally Beijing has terrible smog problems.
• To hide the typical over-crowding of Beijing, they banned all migrant workers from entering the city during the games.
• Five months ago, China claimed they had new weather control technology that would prevent it from raining during the Olympics, yet when I flipped past the games on the dial yesterday, I saw rain falling on some track and field event.

Not that any of that should surprise us, given China's track history of human rights abuses, propaganda and control, invading Tibet, employing political prisoners to manufacture American flags for Walmart, etc.

A Sequel By Any Other Name (a rant about movies)

What's in a name? A rose, by any other name, would probably smell even sweeter, but you'd sell fewer of them in February. Consider the following:

• Star Wars: Episodes 1-3
  
• Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
  
• Predator 2
• Starship Troopers 2
• Alien 3
  
• The Chronicles of Riddick (aka Pitch Black 2) and the animated version
  

The above films all suffer in comparison to the other movies in their respective series. In fact, with one exception (which I'll leave to the reader's inner geek to pinpoint), the above movies would have been better films if they'd wiped all reference to the original(s), and implemented just a hint of new (and mildly original) branding.

When you're changing the premise so drastically and/or ignoring facts of the canonical series history, why even call it the same movie? The answer, of course, is to make money off gullible fans of the original. Blood-sucking betrayers in the production office put short-term profit above the fan's long-term satisfaction.

• If Revenge of the Sith wasn't a Star Wars film, we'd all be happy with "Well, it ain't Star Wars, but it's slightly edgy space opera with a bigger budget than most such movies get, so it's kinda fun." We could all forgive some lackluster performances and let the film stand on it's special effects budget alone if it just wasn't associated with Star Wars. But since it is a Star Wars film, "it ain't Star Wars" is the most damning thing you could ever say. What's more, the Greek Tragedy elements would have played out better if they weren't hobbled by the viewer constantly thinking "in the past 20 years I never once imagined this story played out like that."

At this point, you may think I'm about to pan the new animated Star Wars film. I'm not - though perhaps only because I haven't seen it yet. It looks kinda fun, but I'll wait for it on netflix. There was a time in my life where I had to buy (and pay full price for) anything with the Star Wars brand, but that brand has burned me, so now it's just a rental. (There's a lesson there, if you're listening, Hollywood: Don't dilute your brand.)

No, I am here to discuss something else. I'll get to it in before the end of this, I promise. But, as I often do, I'm going to engage in some verbal meandering on the way there.

You see, I've clung to the above concept (namely that most sequels would be better films if they weren't labeled as sequels) for years. I've walked out of films shaking my head and saying "they either needed to be more respectful to the original, or create a new product identity entirely." When a new film has a pre-established name, we hold it to different standards than we would a random film without the champion pedigree.

It goes beyond that crass measuring stick, though. Sometimes a film can be innovative, and merit-packed as the original, but still somehow unsatisfying because too much changed.

• I love Twin Peaks - but Fire Walk With Me was so different it probably should have been a new Intellectual Property with a parallel story. Lynch's Dune also had little connection with Frank Herbert's Dune, and might have been better under it's own flag. Lynch figured that out though, learned where the line was, and his later films are better for it. Lost Highway, Mulholland Drive, Inland Empire, and all of Twin Peaks probably take place in the same universe as Blue Velvet, but are stronger films for only sharing visual and thematic clues with each other, not treading directly upon one-another's cannon and metaphysics. Wild At Heart is great for existing simultaneously in that world and another more famous setting, but certainly would have sucked if titled "Twin Peaks 2" or "Wizard Of Oz 2". Lynch's genius there is learning that it's better to be "the new film from David Lynch" than to be "Blue Velvet VII."

Lynch isn't the only one to figure this out. Quentin Tarantino learned the same lesson, and managed to do so before his second film released.

• There's little threads that connect Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction, not just to each other, but also to Jackie Brown (and thus Rum Punch and several other Larry Elmore novels), From Dusk Till Dawn, True Romance, Natural Born Killers, Curdled, and The Getaway (The Jim Thompson novel with it's creepy sci-fi ending, rather than the various film versions). There's this huge shared universe, but you can dislike any one film in the series without it impacting your enjoyment of others.
  You don't watch Jackie Brown and say "I wish they'd incorporated the Aztec vampires, it hardly feels like Reservoir Dogs 6 without them," for which we are all very thankful.
  
• Kill Bill does much the same with every Kung Fu, Samurai, or 70's Exploitation film ever made, including a couple of Pam Grier flicks, loosely knitting it all back to his other films.
• Strangely enough, there is a From Dusk Till Dawn 2 and 3, so not everyone involved in Tarantino's films learned the lesson. One of those FDTD films features Ambrose Bierce as a character, and he takes vampirism in stride like his short stories were nonfiction. One of Bierce's stories included a supernatural creature named Hastur, which Robert Chambers then developed further in The King In Yellow, which H.P. Lovecraft later incorporated into the Cthulhu Mythos. As a result, this net of interconnectivity could be taken to ridiculous extremes that even Tarantino probably didn't expect or intend. By a certain strange way of looking at things, Dracula, Cthulhu, and Randall Flag all exist in the same world as Vincent Vega.
  Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a way to get from Mallory Knox to Gozer the Gozerian without once having to resort to traditional Kevin Bacon methods.
  

All of these subtle connections enrich the viewing experience, without dragging the other films down.

I imagined it to be the great truths of motion-picture story-telling:

• #1: alluding to other tales in your movie enriches both films
• #2: if you're changing the premise significantly, it's better if it's not an official sequel

Last night, watching total crap via netflix, at least one of those two concepts was at disproved for me. I'm thoroughly convinced that 10,000 BC couldn't actually have stunk any worse if it was named "Stargate 2: The Prequel."

• The CGI was better than I'd been warned - only the Sabertooth tiger really looked fake, mostly just in it's second scene, and fur is hard to do right on a computer.
• Some folks took issue at mere existance of the terror birds - those folks just haven't watched the right BBC specials. Those suckers were the dominant hunter for a couple million years before mankind and sabretooth cats. While there's no evidence they and man lived at the same time, it's less inaccurate then cave-men vs dinosaurs, which most people take in stride.
  
• The multiculturalism was pretty refreshing, and I was okay with minor anachronisms and the unrealistic multicontinental travel. Like Lord of the Rings or Indiana Jones, there's something really compelling about a story set before a sweeping epic panorama of history and culture.
  
• The anticlimactic 300 reference ten-minutes from the end was a little more overt than it should have been, especially coming so soon after the film adaptation of the same. 5 years from now that same event would be a cute homage.
  
• The acting sucked as bad as everyone said it did, and the director made it worse by portraying the "hero" as a self-hating spineless idiot for the first 45 minutes of the film.
  
• But the thing that really ruined the film for me was the decision that 7-ft tall alien gods have no magic because magic isn't real in our setting, yet later in the same damn scene, it turns out the peyote addict with a brain tumor can raise the dead hero from 2,000 miles away. Integrity, self-consistency, high-concept, or just a theme: whatever you call it, movies need it, and this one lacked it.
  
• The year 10,000 BC is itself only a theme if you include only things that realistically existed in 10,000 BC - the terror birds likely went extinct around 2,000,000 BC, the pyramids at Ghiza were started around 2,500 BC (by a very different culture than depicted in the film), the Sahara was a fertile wetland between 12,500 and 8,000 BC, Plato's Atlantis didn't sink beneath the ocean till sometime around 9,500 BC, horses were domesticated circa 4,500 BC and the stirrup invented between 800 and 500 BC. Despite putting a date in the title, the film couldn't decide what year it was actually set in.
• Why the heck did the entirely non-supernatural arab slave raider have the weird Goa'uld voice affect? Why did the films obvious StarGate alien not have it?
  

Those last three flaws in 10,000 BC bring up one more "truth" of motion picture story-telling...

• #3: The audience will accept any one crazy notion, no matter how outlandish, if you summarize it in the opening 15 minutes of your film.
  They'll do the same if you put your one crazy notion in the last 3 minutes of the film ("the twilight zone ending") but some percentage will resent you for having tricked them.
  If you have more than one crazy notion (with no logical connection between them), or introduce your crazy notion in the second or third quarter of the film, no one will be able to suspend their disbelief, and everyone will resent you.
  Craziness up front works, surprise ending can work, but waffling never works.
  

Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog

Crossposted:

This very odd-looking miniseries may be the dumbest thing Joss Whedon has ever been involved in - and that's saying something. I mean that as a compliment. Whedon has a talent for making things work that just rightly shouldn't.

Teaser from Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on Vimeo.
The first section goes live tomorrow (July 15th 2008), and the whole thing is only up on the web for a week. View it this week, or not at all. (Well, I expect it may one day come out on DVD.)

I'm specifically pimping this show because I want to support Whedon's attempt at creating a new market for series projects outside of the Hollywood & Network machine. I'm not sure exactly how a free program on the web for less than a week will do that, but I'm willing to give him a chance. Besides, I'm secretly hoping that we'll get to see Mal kick Doogie Howzers ass.

Goddamn Motherfucking Racists

The picture to the left is the top of a racist pin that was offered for sale at the Texas Republican Convention. For those who need to know the "punchline" of the lame-ass racist joke, here's a link so you can satisfy your morbid curiosity. It's not entertaining, it's not witty, it's just blatantly racist, with a heaping side of stupid.

Race is a terrible reason to vote against (or for) any candidate. A candidate should be chosen on the merits of their ideas and principles, on the programs they will institute, and the direction they will take the country. What makes you a good president has nothing to do with the color of your skin. The differences between the races of humanity are entirely physiological, and represent a tiny and trivial percentage of our DNA, yet some dumbfucks make such a huge deal about it.

EDIT: Here's another link about the stupid dumbshit buttonmakers at the Texas GOP Convention.

Update/EDIT: It's rare that I feel inclined to commend the Republicans for something they did, but this time they deserve some props:

The state GOP party said Wednesday that it will donate the $1,500 rent it collected from the vendor, Republicanmarket.com, to Midwestern flood victims.

"This vendor need not apply to another Texas GOP state convention," Klingler said. "We will neither tolerate nor profit from bigotry."

Hots for Marion

When an old friend gets back together with their ex, you never know what to think. Often, it's just another round of pain, a chance for history to repeat itself. You want to be happy for them, but inside you know it's all going to end badly, and you'll eventually have to coax your buddy (off the couch he hasn't left in months, out of the house he hasn't cleaned in at least as long, and) over to the bar or strip club to help him drown his woes. Over those drinks, you wanna say "I told you so" - except, probably you didn't, so you can't.

I mean, we all remember how the luster of "it's a new starwars film!" wore off the second time we saw The Phantom Menace. (Despite the cool kids saying otherwise, I still loved it the first showing. It wasn't till thinking about it again later that I realized that my fandom was causing me to imagine it to be better than it was.) In hindsight, it's hard to justify much of Lucas's non-technical "improvements" to the films - strip out all the lightsaber battles, and the rest doesn't live up to expectations. A lot of Star Wars fans spent a lot of time drunk in strip clubs after those 3 films.

But, every once in a while, a buddy will get together with someone that isn't his bitter hateful controlling trainwreck of an ex. Instead, he or she gets back together with "the one that got away." The ex that they honestly have a shot with. The one who isn't necessarily destined to cause nothing but heartache. You always wondered why they didn't work out in the first place, and wish them the best on go-around number two. Hopefully, it will all work out for the best now. Of course, I'm not talking about Star Wars and Lucas, or even about Indy and Spielberg. I'm talking about Indiana and Marion.


A higher-res (but apparently not embeddable) version is available at spout.

At 1:30 into that trailer, my heart jumped. I hadn't expected it, nor did I expect her.
Simple fact is, only one woman is a true match for a wily scoundrel and hard-boiled hero who's just starting to show his age...Marion Ravenwood. You know, Princess Leia was one tough cookie, and she looked good in that little slave dress. But Marion Ravenwood on the other hand, she was tough as nails, and she's every bit the hottie in three times as much clothing. Sure, she lacks some Leia's soft focus sweetness, but Marion's all spunk and punches, with a side of enlightened self-interest. She ain't in this for your rebellion, Princess.

Let's hope it works out for those wacky kids this time, 'cause I'd hate for their hearts to broken all over again (presumably for the 3rd time). Suddenly, I'm excited about the film in a way that crystal skulls, coldwar villains, and gynormous traps alone couldn't do. If you need me this weekend, I'll be in the theatre - and hopefully not at a stripclub thereafter.

Dumbass Terrorists

Strange article on yahoo news, apparently sourced from Al-Sahab, al-Qaida's official media arm, via some not-really-specified Islamic website. Apparently al-Qaida decided to play Q&A with the western press...

One of the questioners asked about the theory that has circulated in the Middle East and elsewhere that Israel was behind the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Al-Zawahri accused Hezbollah's Al-Manar television of starting the rumor.

"The purpose of this lie is clear — (to suggest) that there are no heroes among the Sunnis who can hurt America as no else did in history. Iranian media snapped up this lie and repeated it," he said.

"Iran's aim here is also clear — to cover up its involvement with America in invading the homes of Muslims in Afghanistan and Iraq," he said.

Iran cooperated with the United States in the 2001 U.S. assault on Afghanistan that toppled al-Qaida's allies, the Taliban.

Bush hates Iran. The Bush and Bin Laden families are friends and business parties. It should be no surprise then that al-Quaida hates Iran. Yet it's still not something most Americans understand. I know it makes my head hurt.

But that's not the stupidity that I mentioned in the title of this post. This is:

In response to a question signed by the Japanese news agency Kyodo asking if Japan remains a target because it once had troops in Iraq, al-Zawahri said "Japan provided help under the banner of the crusader coalition ... therefore it participated in the Crusader campaign against the lands of Islam."

So, they seem to be saying that withdrawing your troops has no impact on whether or not they'll continue to attack you. How dumb is that? Those idiots could really use a PR firm.

Given the choice between being left alone or being invaded/occupied, I'd have thought most people would choose the whole not-being-bombed thing. Yet, this al-Zawahri guy seems to support a platform that doesn't encourage nations to ever give in to his demands. At this point, I'd think al-Quaida would want the US out of Afganistan and Iraq. But making dumbass statements to the effect of "your current and future actions have no bearing on whether or not we shall try to kill you" just doesn't seem likely to motivate people to give in to your demands. It's really short-sited, which, for "the official media arm" of a group seeking to be a world power, is rather pathetic. That's a rookie negotiation mistake, provided that your motive really is to win said war. I mean, a statement like that almost seems to encourage the Japanese into re-entering the war against al-Quaida.

Of course, if what you wanted to motivate people to do is keep up involvement in a war that your Halliburton and CIA buddies (whom you pretend are your enemies) can continue to make billions over, then I suppose that would make some sense. Not that I'm in any way worldly enough to really make such accusations - I don't really know how the money flows. Meaning I have no first-hand evidence, no solid facts that I can prove on the spot. Just opinions and some 2nd- or 3rd-hand anecdotal evidence gleaned from movies and newspapers.

The Benevolent Uncle Jack

I'll admit it. There is something pretty damn cool about walking up to a venue that holds 1,400 people for a full show, seeing a line that stretches at least a block, going straight to the door and saying, "I'm on the band list." In you go. All of this because 18 years ago I chose to write down the name of a guy I had met briefly as a roommate request because I figured it was better than getting stuck with someone who might be a complete jerk-off. When I showed up on that first day he was jumping all over the place like some odd Robin Williams/Woody Allen hybrid with a mullet. He told me I needed to meet a couple of really cool gals. Those two gals really were quite awesome. One of them happened to go on to marry a member of my second favorite band (sorry, Bob) and bring her husband to the 15 year class reunion where my old roommate apparently gushed about my spouse and me. Which was awfully kind of him and I'm very grateful for. Actually I am a self-absorbed asshole who has learned to keep his mouth shut. Argue this all you want, I know the truth. Soy el diablo. Which is why I enjoy things like cutting to the front of long lines of people standing out in the rain or having strippers giving me a lap dance suddenly recognize me because of my past work. I also enjoy long walks on the beach, sunsets, and belittling people's belief systems. FYI.

There is no point in reviewing the show. I am completely biased on this topic. Flogging Molly kicks major ass. Their live shows are awesome and you should all buy their latest album, Float. Bob Schmidt is especially cool. How many people can play mandolin and banjo with total punk rock style? Again, totally biased.

Now, what the fuck is up with Portland venues? This town has some of the most beautiful venues for concerts in the country. Why is it all of them have the shittiest sound? Is there some trade off I am unaware of? Or is it that every sound engineer in the region has an unnatural affinity for the tinny sound of treble? I can't even say it sounds like they are playing in a barn. I used to attend shows at the Outhouse in Lawrence, Kansas which essentially was a barn and sounded a hell of a lot better than the fancier places in this town. The basement punk shows I used to frequent had better sound. Note to self; bringing ear plugs for you and all of your friends can only serve to enhance the experience. I'm still cleaning the blood out of my ears. I could hear every lyric crisply. The clubs in Minneapolis often had muddled sound in the vocal range. Perhaps this is why. All is forgiven, First Ave. You were right, I was wrong.

Last time we hung around Flogging Molly they gave us a couple cans of Guinness. This time Dennis (guitar) gave us a couple bottles of whiskey. Next time I am expecting a couple of jugs of something and am working my way up to a matching set of distilleries. Why would an Irish themed band give us bottles of Jack Daniels? Ah, my friends, this is the really fucked up part of the business. Jack Daniels sponsored the show. Tickets were free but you had to sign up at the Jack Daniels website to be eligible or receive them from a Jack Daniels representative prowling one of your favorite bars. Not only did they put on a free Flogging Molly show for those lucky enough to get tickets, but they also handed out free drink tickets to everyone entering. Which meant you could have any one of their fantastic Jack Daniels products. Throughout the opening act a pair of rear projection screens kept flashing Jack Daniels promo material. The floors and walls had JD projections. Between acts a crew of people in JD t-shirts came on stage to remind everyone that they were here to see Flogging Molly through the benevolence of good old Uncle Jack. Uncle Jack loves each and every one of you. Yes, they said that. Drink to Uncle Jack. Again at the end of the show a personal reminder that this was all brought to you by the all benevolent, all wonderful Uncle Jack. Praise be to Jack!

I side with the Libertarians and Satanists on this one. Such promotions are creepy and feel dirty to me. The company is making so much money off of people buying their product that they have no problem throwing them a small bone now and again, like a free concert with a few free drinks. You have to pay for the shirt that you will wear around town to advertise their products for them. It isn't just alcohol, it's a lifestyle and cultural identity. While all of this rubs me the wrong way, for most of the people in the crowd it works. Jack Daniels gave them a free show and free drinks and goddamn if Jack Daniels isn't the fucking greatest. Buy another round and raise a toast to the benevolent Uncle Jack who gave back a tiny portion of what you've spent. I have an old reaction that finds it all distasteful. But don't blame Jack Daniels. This is marketing and it works. The problem lies with the people attending. Satanists, Libertarians, and even most Republicans will agree that this is how the free market economy operates. It is up to the people to decide. (Some Satanists take it a step further and say taking advantage of a sucker is proper or even encouraged behavior. Republicans do believe this but refuse to admit it.) They could choose to not purchase Jack Daniels products. They could choose to not let such promotions influence their decisions.

Benevolent Uncle Jack knows that a few public relations events cost next to nothing compared to the lifetime of revenues from drinkers who decide their liquor of choice is Jack Daniels. At least they chose a kick ass band for the event.

Public Service Announcement

More painful footage from the archives...

Viewing Habits on YouTube

People's viewing habits on YouTube are strange:



CM vs The Costume: 42 views
CM vs The Train: 70 views
CM vs The Pyromaniac: 20 views

Of the lot, CMvPyro is the best film, but has the fewest viewings. It's been up two days less than the others, but both had less than 20 views before it went up. It's the first film of the playlist as well. My conclusion is people stumble across the CameraMan films while searching for something else, and only The Train has the combination of "1 minute length" plus "picture of a girl tied up" that gets strangers to click on it.

Even stranger is what's happened with View To A Clone 3:
VTAC3, chapter 1: 45 views
VTAC3, chapter 2: 8 views
VTAC3, chapter 3: 72 views
VTAC3, chapter 4: 7 views

Now, I can understand chapters 1 & 3, which have the plot, getting more views than 2 & 4, which have commercials and credits. It's possible I didn't put the "bond" or "spies" tag on the even chapters as well, which would just amplify that "problem".

What puzzles me is the 72 views on Chapter 3, which clearly says watch chapters 1 and 2 first. It's not like Chapter 3 has a very intriguing picture to generate interest, so I don't think it's that 90% of viewers start with it, hop to chapter 1, then skip chapter 2 to go watch chapter 3 again.

Kinda fun trying to figure out people's brains.

Free ≠ Free. (Edited/Expanded)

First a free summary/background... Jake on Free. Seth on Free. Wired on Free.

I find, personally, that I've been burned by so much freeness that really isn't, that I've grown skeptical of that word. Everything free comes with strings attached. The few things that don't have strings, generally don't advertise the fact they are free. Like, when Jake invited me to this here blog, he didn't say "Hey, I've got a FREE blog you could join..." Had he said that, I'd a gotten worried.

It's like free doesn't mean free anymore, it means "for the small price of a tiny piece of your soul you probably weren't using anyway" which goes doubly so since we live in the Land of the Free, and self-righteous center of the Free World.

From that Wired article:

At the age of 40, King Gillette was a frustrated inventor, a bitter anticapitalist, and a salesman of cork-lined bottle caps. It was 1895, and despite ideas, energy, and wealthy parents, he had little to show for his work. He blamed the evils of market competition. Indeed, the previous year he had published a book, The Human Drift, which argued that all industry should be taken over by a single corporation owned by the public and that millions of Americans should live in a giant city called Metropolis powered by Niagara Falls. His boss at the bottle cap company, meanwhile, had just one piece of advice: Invent something people use and throw away.

Disposable, like their freedom.

A few years of metallurgy experimentation later, the disposable-blade safety razor was born. But it didn't take off immediately. In its first year, 1903, Gillette sold a total of 51 razors and 168 blades. Over the next two decades, he tried every marketing gimmick he could think of. He put his own face on the package, making him both legendary and, some people believed, fictional. He sold millions of razors to the Army at a steep discount, hoping the habits soldiers developed at war would carry over to peacetime. He sold razors in bulk to banks so they could give them away with new deposits ("shave and save" campaigns). Razors were bundled with everything from Wrigley's gum to packets of coffee, tea, spices, and marshmallows. The freebies helped to sell those products, but the tactic helped Gillette even more. By giving away the razors, which were useless by themselves, he was creating demand for disposable blades. A few billion blades later, this business model is now the foundation of entire industries: Give away the cell phone, sell the monthly plan; make the videogame console cheap and sell expensive games; install fancy coffeemakers in offices at no charge so you can sell managers expensive coffee sachets.

So that's the dude to blame. Noted. Odd that a utopian anticapitalist would revolutionize the way big businesses fool / trick / addict the public. Consider him on my time-machine hitlist: King Gillete, feel the Frag.

Night Junkies

When a Vampire film has the following listed, you know it's quality horror...

Enjoyed By Members Who Enjoyed

The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning
The Darwin Awards
Beer League
American Pie Presents: Band Camp
National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of the Taj

Guess I'll be bumpin' that up to the top of my queue.

NSFW: Nudity In Advertising

Stumbled across these today, and they put a smile on my face - I sware that's all. :)

This first one shows us that British TV spots are just a lot cooler than US TV spots.


Elave "nothing to hide" campaign
(The above is the better, BY FAR, of the two ads in this post. The embedding code seems to be wonky, so it's worth following the link if it won't play.)

and


Alicia Silverstone’s Sexy Veggie PSA is just a tease. Not really NSFW, but I do want to eat some soybeans now.

Cute advertisements.