The Superpowers of Pregnancy

Because I seldom pass up an opportunity to engage in some baby bashing...

Heather Havrilesky on the superpowers of pregnancy

...while Obama may have selected an experienced and savvy collection of specialists to lead this nation out of its hard times, no one on Earth has the ability to tackle big, unwieldy problems quite like a woman in the home stretch of pregnancy. In addition to manufacturing a brand-new human being, a feat of nearly supernatural proportions in and of itself, pregnant women also have an uncanny knack for grabbing the most daunting task by the throat, wrestling it to the floor and smashing its face into the carpet until it yells 'Mother!'

Absolute bullshit!

The miracle of child birth is not some nearly supernatural feat but, as Bill Hicks so eloquently put it, it is, "no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass." Pregnant women aren't manufacturing a brand-new human being. They contributed half the genetic material necessary to form an abdominal parasite that after leaching off the host for 18 fucking years it will most likely become just another hunk of flesh oblivious to the world surrounding it and doing little more than contributing to the problems it encounters. You think you're raising the next Martin Luther King Jr. but in fact you've got Marty from Accounts Receivable.

As for pregnant women tackling problems and wrestling them to the ground, from what I have seen this super human skill involves the invocation of Cthulhu to compel the man in their life to do exactly as she commands while she eats bonbons and barbecue potato chips while she lies on the couch watching L Word episodes back to back. The strongest examples of pregnant women I have personally witnessed involved them barely managing medium duty tasks at work up to two weeks before they were due but only if they had a sit down every few minutes. That impressed me. Not bad for someone choosing to live with a ten pound parasite.

Maybe I'm just a bit full of myself. I have, after all, helped to usher more life into this world than all of my women friends combined. I've taken a 100 pound newborn in my arms and hauled it out of a mud pit in a torrential downpour. And can you really speak at all about the miracles of birth until you have been shoulder deep in pussy just to get the damn thing turned around so it might live?

Seriously. Sperm goes in, baby pops out. Praise Jebus!