Back in 7th - 10th grade, I had this friend named Joey. I have a little anecdote about a specific interaction with Joey which was pivotal to my development. As I remember it, one day Joey got up the nerve to let me know:
- that I was just generally a violent jerk,
- that I had the annoying habit of taking out my aggressions on close buddies,
- and that said close buddies were not the reason I was angry at the world, so why the heck didn't I ever take out my aggression on the idiots who deserved it, instead of him?
Outwardly, I looked like a hippy. I claimed to be growing my hair for peace (the truth was I just distrusted barbers), yet I was anything but peaceful in my interactions with those whom I considered friends. While I'd been in remarkably few fights, it was because I was a bit scrawny and a late-bloomer. Well, that and because my enemies were all on the football team, and therefore likely to crush with both numbers and girth. Powerless to affect them, I lashed out at those whom I respected. It's really weird - I'm far more critical of dear friends than I am of total strangers, and I find it easier to tell a friend off than to say the same to someone I despise.
That moment radically altered the man I grew up to be. I still sometimes lose my cool, but I haven't laid a hand on a friend or loved-one since. (Well, at least not intentionally - other bloggers here can attest to some incidents with frisbees and chairs in 11th and 12th grade, but those wounds were never inflicted in anger.) Point being, I was absolutely in danger (though it would have been a long way off) of being a wife-beater or the sort of fool who murders in the heat of the moment and only later realizes what he's done. Joey's comments made me face that horrible ogre inside me, master it, conquer it, and become a better man.
I feel that when someone's being an idiot, the worst you can do is silently tolerate it. Doing so merely perpetuates their cycles and tendencies. Distancing yourself from them rarely helps either, not unless you clearly spell out why you're leaving first. The lessons of my life have taught me that this is doubly true for friends.
What I learned about myself after that incident with Joey, was that:
- While I get really angry in the moment - I mean really frighteningly rage driven sometimes - I cool off quickly once I've vented, and I tend to forgive everything and nearly anything over time.
- I always know, no matter the situation, that if I can make it through the next five minutes without violence, I won't feel the need to commit violence an hour from now.
- If I speak my mind today about the thing that irked me, tomorrow I probably won't even be angry about whatever is pissing me off right now.
- However, if I sit silent, and bottle it up, I'll carry that anger forever. It seems my only mechanism for letting go of that which bothers me is to get confrontational about it with the person who ticked me off.
Honestly, there are only three people I hold grudges against. Two are former bosses from long ago, whom I never really found the courage to tell-off in the way they deserved. The third is someone who actively tried to destroy my life on multiple occasions, then stalked me when that didn't work. If those descriptions don't match our collective back-story, you can rest assured that I am holding nothing against you.
Three enemies, that's it. Everyone else resides in the neutral or friend column. If we've ever been a friend, I still consider you such, even if we haven't spoke in years. (Unless you're one of three mentioned previously, which I reiterate because one them was definitely a friend before she went psycho.) Heck, I don't even hate my ex-wife. I'm pretty sure she cheated on me, and that fucking sucks, but the emotions there are more pity and sadness, not anger any more.
Most of you reading this, assuming you believe any of it, are probably let down because I've never yelled at you - so therefore by the logic above I must not consider you a friend. That'd be incorrect. I have half a dozen specific topics that hot-button me like nothing else. It's far more likely you've just never pissed me off, because we've never discussed those 6-or-so issues about which I am most likely to fly into a rage.
That's me, explained and largely unshielded. Do with it what you will.
Recently, a friend hit one of my half-dozen or so exposed nerves. I sat quiet on it for a while, but it was getting worse from being bottled up, so eventually I said something. More that that, I went off on him. I apparently came off a lot harsher than I thought I had, which is sadly pretty common for on-line communication.
The next day, I was no longer the least bit annoyed. I pretty much forgot the email had ever been sent. A few weeks later, he replied, and made it clear that I had permanently wounded our friendship. What he sent could be interpreted (though I'm not sure if it was meant to be) as a formal declaration of intent to end the friendship. I hope not, and I'm probably just being paranoid, but last night I couldn't sleep because of it all. I sent an apology, but I wouldn't blame him at all if he just deleted it unread.
I've only made a mistake like this once before. While the relationship threatened by that mistake long-ago recovered, I've never understood how it survived. I've just been thankful that it did.
For a long while I just avoided the internet to make sure this couldn't happen again. Avoiding the internet in today's society is like opting into the "have-not" category. It's not really a realistic option. I could easily go back to self-imposed hermitage, but I feel that would be unhealthy. ...and it would annoy Sarah.
I'm unclear how to proceed. Any advice?
9 comments:
The fact that you worry about such things is part of what makes you a decent sort, r_b.
Stay online. The medium of communication isn't the problem- the communication itself is.
When we make mistakes that hurt others, we can only apologize, explain, and try to make it right. After weve done that much, there's nothing more to do.
Yes, I'm hurt to have no recollection of ever being called a jerk by you.
I think this post is a good start. Perhaps forward it to that person.
I find an apology goes a long way, usually. That's a good start too.
Also, don't regress again. It's nice to have found you.
Dave, If it's any consolation I think your a jerk.
You're all jerks! You happy now?
I swear, X- I was *waiting* for you to say that.
Being one of those people who once hit a hot-button with you, I can appreciate that it can be a little uncomfortable seeing the reaction. For those who haven't seen it in you, the jump from "calm" to "annoyed" can seem quite extreme.
However, in my case, I knew you too well to take it as a personal attack. It made me stop and go, "Oh. That's not like him. Okay. Here's the line. Don't cross that line again. Got it." :)
I guess I should feel special, since I'm one of the ones you've called a jerk. ;)
*you're*
christ!
Wait, X, which of us did you just promote/demote to divinity? Gotta help me understand here, Holy Spook. :)
"Being one of those people who once hit a hot-button with you,"
Case in point, I have absolutely no clue when the event (SiderisAnon is referencing) occurred or which button he pushed.
I don't remember ever raising my voice at him, and thought for sure he was on the list of folks I've never unleashed upon. Yet - surprise! - he remembers me getting all growly and being a jerk.
Like I said, shortly past the expression of anger, all the emotion goes away. My only clue to my having been a jerk is the wake I left behind me.
I shouldn't give the impression that I'm blacking it out. I imagine the situation with SiderisAnon was years ago, and now that I think about it I kinda vaguely recall being an ass, but I still don't remember why or over what issue.
Likewise, I know exactly what I said last month that created my current situation - I just didn't realize for two weeks how harsh and hurtful it had been interpreted.
The fact that this flaw has only really cost me one friendship (possibly a second if I can't fix this latest incident) in 34 years is actually pretty remarkable.
Okay, maybe it's cost me more - there's 2 people who vanished out of my life a decade back without warning. Perhaps I don't remember venting at them? That would explain a lot.
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