I Hate Turkey!

Really. I hate turkey. Not in any kind of refusal to eat it kind of way, but I still hate turkey. I have never once thought about what I wanted for dinner and said, "Some turkey sounds good." I have never once sat down in a restaurant, looked over the menu and said, "They have turkey! I think I'll have that." I have never once assembled a grocery list with turkey as one of its components.

I will eat turkey. It doesn't cause me to grimace or vomit or gag. In fact if you go to an event like a renaissance fair and they've got turkey legs, I'll give it a go. A good smoked turkey leg will pique my interest. But honestly, the bird could disappear forever and I wouldn't mind.

I like pheasant and duck. Chicken has its place and I often purchase it. But I hate turkey.

Granted, I have never tried wild turkey. I'm not talking about Wild Turkey but wild turkey. Maybe wild turkey has that little something extra that makes it really good. I remember the first time I saw a wild turkey. It ran across the road in front of my car, presumably for the same reason the chicken did, and I thought it was the biggest and ugliest pheasant I had ever seen. Maybe you could cook wild turkey with Wild Turkey and come up with something decent. I usually have my turkey with a couple oil cans of Fosters Extra Bitter, one for the bird and one for me so I can not care so much about having to eat turkey.

I would rather have a turkey loaf than a roast turkey. The processing and salt make it taste less like turkey. I would rather have tofurkey but only because tofu tastes good. There are better things you can do with tofu, like serving it fried with peanut sauce, than to make it taste like turkey.

So now I have a 20 lb. turkey in my freezer. I'll have to cook it at some point. Then I'll have to eat it. Then I'll clean the bird and stick it in the freezer. We'll pull some out every so often out of an obligation to finish it up. You hate to see food go to waste. Starving children and all that. There will be turkey gravy that we will also freeze. It is the worst of all the gravies. I suppose if you like turkey than turkey gravy would be quite good since it tastes a lot like turkey. It tastes more like the animal it comes from than any of the other gravies I have tried. I bet trout gravy would suck but so far I have not encountered anyone fool enough to try making it, let alone insisting to innocents that it actually tastes good. Not like turkey.

Squid jerky is worse than turkey jerky. But you can deep fry squid and it tastes so good. There is nothing you can do to turkey to make me have cravings for it.

They say that Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird. It would have been a perfect fit. A fat, ugly, awkward bird that is bland, boring.

Yeah. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hate turkey. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!