Shaq's Attack On Obesity

News flash! A star athlete is using his celebrity status to combat what he sees as a major problem in America. And PETA is piggybacking the gig to push their own agenda. I can imagine the looks of shock and surprise on all of your faces.

Shaquille O'Neal's new reality TV show is tackling childhood obesity—but parents need to do their part, too. By raising kids on a healthy vegetarian diet, parents can help their children avoid obesity now and heart disease, diabetes and other illnesses as they grow older.

Oh yay. Another reality TV show. And this one is about how kids are eating too much fast food and watching too much TV. At least we know kids will be getting their recommended daily dose of irony. I expect stupidity from television. Why else would so many refer to the thing as 'the idiot box'? It's PETA that really gets me going this time.

This is all personal observation and testimonial. Results and experiences may vary. If confused, consult your pineal gland.

I used to be a big fat lardo. Granted I wore my 300+ pounds like a latter day Andre the Giant rather than a Dom DeLuise, but I was still fat. By watching what I consumed, over the course of three years I dropped 50 lbs. Then I quit my desk job and eventually got a factory job where I moved all day long. In a year's time I dropped down to 200 lbs. During that time I ate whatever I felt like eating. This included meat, cheese, milk, and lots of carbs. In fact:

At the start of the show, half of the kids cannot do even a single sit-up, and one boy talks about topping his cheeseburgers with French fries (yes, inside the bun).

That is so softcore. A neighborhood bar serves a 1/2 lb. cheese burger topped with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. Kick that back with some greasy bar fries and a few pints. Meanwhile I would drink about one soda and a couple six packs of beer a week. For exercise outside of work I would walk to the convenience store (for beer), the coffee shop (which serves beer and coffee), and the strip club (which serves beer and titty). I was riding motorcycle to work, which is a little more physically demanding than driving a car, especially with a kick start. And I was fucking. No gym, no jogging, no sports. When I switched from the assembly line to maintenance, I put on about 20 lbs. by not moving around as much during my day. I'm still a far cry from my 300+ days. I eat what I like, when I like.

This strategy does not work for everyone. There are people doing the same job I used to do who are fat. I've noticed that most of them drink a lot of soda during the day and will often keep a bag of chips at their work station. But there is also a gal who brings in a bag of chips, a box of cookies, and a box of sugary breakfast cereal to snack on every day. While munching on all of this she usually drinks at least one liter of Coke, one large energy drink, and five or six cups of coffee. She chain smokes through breaks while playing a pocket video poker game and spends all of her free time watching TV or reading science fiction novels. She doesn't exercise. In fact she gets to work over a half hour early just to park close to the door because it hurts her hip to walk up the hill from the lower lot. And she is very thin. Granted she suffered a minor brain hemorrhage this winter, but her massive intake of fats and sugars isn't making her obese. I also know an author who has been a vegetarian his entire life and is positively rotund. Sorry PETA, no dice.

I also dislike PETA's strategy of trying to humanize animals in an effort to convert people to vegetarianism.

RICK: Shut up! Just get down there and start cleaning up this mess! [pushes Neil down] Pig!

NEIL: Oh, so I'm a pig now too, am I?

RICK: Yes, yes! Now, get licking, Porky!

NEIL: [picks cups up, stands] Well, I don't mind being a pig, cause, for your information, pigs are really intelligent, actually.

RICK: Oh?

NEIL: Yeah, like dolphins.

RICK: Oh, so they are, are they? Well, tell me, Neil. Who invented the internal combustion engine? Was it Porky the Pig? No, it was Lincoln Rawls, wasn't it?! And the Theory of Relativity. Was Pythagoras a pig? No, he was a Greek, wasn't he? So tell me, Neil. You're the expert. [grabs the cups] What's the major piggie contribution to civilization?

NEIL: Ummm.... [pause, thinking]

RICK: It's bacon, isn't it? Bacon and rooling around in the mud. Look out, Michaelangelo, here comes the new piggie Renaissance!

And let's not disparage pigs for that. Bacon is damn good. But PETA doesn't seem to understand that some of us are not only okay with knowing where our food comes from, but we prefer it that way. Some folks are just more comfortable watching a calf be born, naming it Sam, nursing it with a bottle, weening it to the bucket, raising it on a proper diet, seeing it grow, washing it, grooming it, teaching it to walk on a halter, and then killing and eating it and making a jacket out of its skin. At what point would an animal's intelligence keep me from eating it? I wouldn't eat Stephen Hawking, but it has nothing to do with how smart he is. But what about the companionship intelligent creatures can give us. Would I eat my pet dog? Him before me. Could I eat a friend or relative? Only if they asked me to. I wouldn't want to be rude. And why go to prison for murder when there is so much beef and pork to be had?

You want to be vegetarian? Fine. I have enjoyed many fine vegetarian meals. Some days I just don't want to eat meat. But PETA's anti-meat scare tactics are as loathsome as Muslims who don't want anyone to eat pork or drink alcohol. Though not quite as bad as yet another reality TV show.