Monday, May 14, 2007

Perfect Solution

It seems like both fronts of the "War on Intense, overpowering fear" are worsening. Iraq is, well, Iraq. And becoming moreso everyday. And in... umm... the other one, the Taliban are making a comeback thanks to funding from the increased opium trade. Things look pretty grim for the Coalition of the Willing these days. We've tried every known strategy from more killing to more torture, but nothing seems to work. For some inexplicable reason they still don't love us. What's a superpower to do?

This had me worried. But then, it hit me! We can solve both problems quite easily. We just need to legalize the growing of opium poppies in Afghanistan, buy up all the farmers' crops at a price that the Taliban can't beat, build some big processing plants to provide Afghanis jobs, and drop several tons of high grade heroin on the insurgent strongholds in Iraq. Pretty soon the Afghanis will be making to much money to risk attacking us, and the insurgents will be too fucked up.

Clarification: We don't want to drop too much junk on them though. Just enough to get them hooked but not enough to sell.

Damn! I am a fucking genius. I should be lying through my teeth, shooting lawyers in the face with impunity, and soliciting bribes campaign donations.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

When the Taliban ruled Afghanistan, they had nearly wiped out the opium trade and in exchange received billions in US aid. Now they are not in power, are not favored by the US, and get their money from opium. Is it hipocrisy? Hell no! That's just good old political economics. Glad to see we're helping the Middle East to be more like us. As the old show tune goes, "Everything the traffic will allow."

Unknown said...

Update: Turns out Iraq is producing their own.