Monday, October 27, 2008

Oh, that's who I'm fucking! (NSFW)

Jake's right.There's something decidely unsettling about the idea of having sex withtwins, siblings, or relatives of any sort. Frankly, that whole conceptis revolting - and needs to be. If we didn't have the biological andsocial imperative to find it disturbing, we'd end up with a lot moresexual abuse and inbreeding. If you grew up as close kin to someone,you shouldn't find them sexy at all.

But that begs the sci-fi question. If you could do it with clones, would you? This of course gets mucky quickly. I certainly don't know the answer to the nature-vs-nurture debate, and since we're talkin' sci-fi, I can't rule out that the clones wouldn't share the memories of the original. Even if I could be certain they don't, and they weren't raised together or think of each other as sisters, it'd still be far from ideal. You'd still have to worry that you'll get them confused and accidentally focus all your efforts on clone A, leaving poor clone B jealous or nonorgasmic. So sex with clones still has it's flaws.



Sex with your lover's time-traveling future selves, however, could sidestep that. It wouldn't matter if you gave a little to much attention to one version of your partner, as he or she would still have the pleasant memory of getting your full attention during the same "closed-circuit orgy". It's not like you get jealous of yourself whenever you have a mediocre orgasm.

I suspect, actually, that's why you've nevermet a time traveller. I'd guess that in the future someone invents atime-machine. Domesticating dinosaurs, killing hitler, retroactivelyimproving their own childhood, and striking it rich on the stock marketonly occupies his first couple weekends. Then, he realizes he couldgo back in time and seduce that failed first romance. Of course, thismakes him feel awful - he doesn't want to cheat on his wife. That'swhen he realizes the time machine can allow him to fulfill at least onesexual fantasy he'd previously written off - the threesome.

So,he approaches his wife and says "Honey, I've built a time machine and now we're rich. But I've never been to an orgy, because I only have eyes for you. But how about I have sex with you and your 30 minutes older self, ...and maybe your one hour older self? Hop in the timemachine, loop around a couple times, and we'll have fun, okay? I can fuck all of you, and you can make out with yourself, and you'll be so fucking hot! Please?"

His wife stands aghast for a second. There's something distinctly masturbatory about the notion of making out with her future self forher husband's edification, not that she's against masturbation, but she's not sure she wants to...

Then the eyeslight up. "I'm not the only one who can get in that time machine, dear. I want your cocks in every opening!" Next thing you know, there's as many of each of them as they can fit in the bedroom, fucking each other every which way, and possibly trying hard not to admit there's something just a touch gay about the whole scenario.

Eventually, they probably realize that used to be younger, hotter, and in better shape, so why not go back and get some of your own barely legal ass? And that's where the time machine fails them.

If your older, wrinklier, desperate horndog self showed up to make you their personalsex-slave, you'd be all "Fuck this! I ain't ever inventing that timemachine in the first place!" At which point your future horndog selfevaporates in a violent paradoxical time wave.

I suspect thisvery scenario is happening around us all the time. Hundreds, maybethousands of would-be scientists are carrying the deep dark secret that they were nearly gang-raped by their future selves who thendisintigrated before their eyes. That'd turn anyone into a neo-luddite.Hell, for all you know, I might have been up in arms about the LHC because my erection-laden future self used it to attack me.

I think I'm going to start asking every non-scientist I know: "So, have you too given up your plans to build a time machine after your twisted pervert future self tried to rape you?"

No use asking those who actually are (still) scientists, after all, as those guys never get laid.

5 comments:

Jeremy Rice said...

No further information is available at this time.

rbbergstrom said...

Don't you wish? But no, I'm afraid, Too Much Information is available at this time, instead. :)

Unknown said...

I disagree with you opening statement. Having sex with anything female regardless of familial relation should be a biological imperative. For most other animals, including monkeys and apes, sex is about procreation. Let me state it like my coworkers in the factory would, "If it's got two tits and a pussy, fuck it." My post was admitting that even I am capable of constructing irrational barriers guised as 'morals'.

And if a 40 or 50 something version of my wife showed up to my 16 year old self and said, "I want to make you my personal sex slave as part of a non-stop orgy involving multiple versions of myself through out time," I might actually believe in God.

rbbergstrom said...

Good points, both of them. Oh well, back to the drawing board.

rbbergstrom said...

Crap, that's the point where I would normally argue violently in support of the opinion I'd put forth. Why'd I let you off so easy?

So, please allow me to revise my position from 'good points, I'll have to reconsider' to:

"suck morality, biotch! You're wrong, I'm right, and you're evil for not accepting the truth and glory of my words! I think you're crazy, and going to end the world with your crazy talk. You must be part of the time-traveling-orgy-conspiracy. Don't build the time machine, dude, it's evil! You'll rape yourself! And, um, you're wrong for thinking that when you think you don't want to fuck twins that it isn't morals, or something, 'cause of, um, genetics, or biology, or natural selection, or God, or something, and, um, ah, you're wrong. Did I mention you're wrong? 'Cause I'm right, and, um, that must mean you're, um, wrong, you gall darned timefucker! Jake and Doctor Who, sitting in a tree, F - U - C -k-i-n-g."

Much better.